Big Page of Quotations!

I had a brilliant idea, like, five minutes ago, in which instead of posting a blog once a month with quotes that last for a week, then vanish, I’ll post them on this page and categorize them for later reference. Sounds like fun!

October

Well, I said earlier that I’d post some funny (or at least humouresque) quotes, and I’ve failed to deliver. Instead, I’ll post a buncle of them at the end of each month. Enjoy!

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault.
  – Henry Kissinger

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.
  – B. F. Skinner

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book – it makes a very poor doorstop.
  – Alfred Hitchcock

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
  – Wendell Johnson

Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.
  – Gore Vidal

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
  – Hansell B. Duckett

I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can’t read any poetry.
  – Randall Jarrell

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.
  – Henry David Thoreau

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
  – Carl Sagan

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
  – Groucho Marx

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
  – Oscar Wilde

November

Hooray for more quotations, here’s your monthly fix!

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
  – Havelock Ellis

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
  – E. B. White

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
  – George F. Will

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
  – Jean Kerr

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
  – Gustave Flaubert

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.
  – George Lucas

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
  – Sir Francis Bacon

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
  – Shana Alexander

All the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.
  – Harry S Truman

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
  – Dave Barry

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
  – Flannery O’Connor

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
  – Napoleon Bonaparte

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
  – Jane Wagner

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
  – Robertson Davies

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
  – George Bernard Shaw

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
  – Laurence J. Peter

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
  – Fred Hoyle 

January

So, I didn’t put up any quotations for December, partially because I forgot, and also because there weren’t many good quotations for December. So, I’ll give you these now, and you can hopefully look forward to a good plathora in the coming month! I hope…

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
  – Dan Rather

What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  – Steven Wright

CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn’t want to give up power.
  – Arthur C. Clarke

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.
  – Bertrand Russell

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
  – Bill Cosby

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
  – Joan Baez

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.
  – Voltaire

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
  – Dorothy Parker

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
  – Socrates

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.
  – Jules Renard

Language is the source of misunderstandings.
  – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.
  – Henry Ford

February

Okay, so this month, I spent a lot of online time looking for decent quotes, and I think my standards might have been a bit lower, or even just looking for something profound. What ever! I wanna laugh!

 

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
  – John Adams

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
  – John Ciardi

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
  – John Kenneth Galbraith

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
  – Scott Adams

Television has raised writing to a new low.
  – Samuel Goldwyn

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
  – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we’d be too simple to understand it.
  – Emerson Pugh

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
  – Mickey Rooney

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
  – Mark Twain

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
  – Art Spander

When love is gone, there’s always justice./ And when justice is gone, there’s always force./ And when force is gone, there’s always Mom./ Hi, Mom!
  – Laurie Anderson

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
  – Bob Hope

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  – Jean Giraudoux

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
  – Ellen DeGeneres

The second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
  – Fyodor Dostoevsky

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
  – James Thurber

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
  – Jilly Cooper

If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.
  – Doug Larson

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
  – Woodrow Wilson

Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.
  – Marilyn Manson

Art is science made clear.
  – Jean Cocteau

With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’
  – Mitch Hedberg

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.
  – Scott Adams

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
  – Fran Lebowitz

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
  – Darrin Weinberg

A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.
  – Evan Esar

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
  – E. V. Lucas

Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
  – Janet Long

March/April

  

There was a note here at one point, but it has since gone missing. Hmmm…

 

 Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
  – Robertson Davies 

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.
  – George Aiken 

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
  – Anatole France 

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
  – Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
  – William Feather

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
  – Frank Dane

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
  – Fred Allen

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
  – Hesketh Pearson

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
  – Doug Larson

We are the people our parents warned us about.
  – Jimmy Buffett

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.
  – George Bernard Shaw

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’
  – Theodore Roosevelt

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
  – Mitch Hedberg

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
  – Eric Hoffer

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
  – Samuel Johnson

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.
  – Unknown

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
  – Demetri Martin

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
  – Terry Pratchett

There is no such thing as “fun for the whole family.”
  – Jerry Seinfeld

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
  – Howard Aiken

People find life entirely too time-consuming.
  – Stanislaw J. Lec

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.
  – John Kenneth Galbraith

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
  – Rita Rudner

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
  – Franklin P. Adams

When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.
  – Edward R. Murrow

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
  – Dante Gabriel Rossetti

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
  – Bob Hope

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
  – Gertrude Stein

The reverse side also has a reverse side.
  – Japanese Proverb

any a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
  – Evan Esar

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
  – Jimmy Demaret

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
  – Henry Kissinger

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.
  – Shelley Winters

The worst thing about Europe is that you can’t go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee.
  – Tellis Frank

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
  – Unknown

June

Once again, I prove that it’s entire POSSIBLE to get caught up in life and forget prior committments. I’d hate to have a wife, I’d forget her name, I swear!

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
  – James Thurber

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
  – Rita Mae Brown

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
  – W. C. Fields

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
  – Friedrich Nietzsche

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
  – Plato

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn’t the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
  – Otto von Bismarck

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  – Benjamin Franklin

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
  – Jane Wagner

I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
  – Fran Lebowitz

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
  – Laurence J. Peter

I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
  – New York City detective

If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
  – Johnny Carson

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
  – Bert Leston Taylor

I hope that when I die, people say about me, ‘Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.’
  – Jack Handey

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
  – David Sedaris

I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends.
  – Moby

August

So, here we are again, with those late quotations and all. By the way, if the page looks really weird, it’s the only way I can keep your focus…

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
  – Penn Jillette

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
  – Mark Twain

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  – Charles Wadsworth

If man does find the solution for world peace it will be the most revolutionary reversal of his record we have ever known.
  – George C. Marshall

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
  – Joe Martin

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.
  – Ted Morgan

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
  – Franklin P. Adams

Political advertising ought to be stopped. It’s the only really dishonest kind of advertising that’s left.
  – David M. Ogilvy

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
  – Noel Coward

Confusion is always the most honest response.
  – Marty Indik

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  – Putt’s Law

Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record.
  – Tom Masson

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
  – Bernard Bailey

It is bad luck to be superstitious.
  – Andrew W. Mathis

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
  – Logan Pearsall Smith

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
  – Anonymous

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
  – Frank Leahy

If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, ‘Heimlich maneuver,’ and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say ‘Heimlich maneuver’ when you’re choking to death.
  – Eddie Izzard

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
  – Emo Phillips

Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him.
  – Paul Eldridge

When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web…. Now even my cat has its own page.
  – Bill Clinton

December

I don’t know how I keep managin it, but I totally forgot this page exsisted again. I gotta start keeping a to-do list for this site monthly, eh?

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.
  – George Burns

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  – A. Whitney Brown

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
  – Evan Esar

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
  – Henry Adams

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
  – H. P. Lovecraft

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
  – Robert Frost

It’s a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.
  – Randy K. Milholland

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms.
  – Alan Corenk

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?
  – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
  – Bill Vaughan

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
  – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.
  – Walter Winchell

Here’s a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can’t touch you if you’re out doing something interesting.
  – Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine

First you’re an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity.
  – Martin Myers

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
  – Sam Levenson

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  – Groucho Marx

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
  – Phyllis Diller

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
  – Bill Watterson

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
  – H. L. Mencken

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  – Gracie Allen

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
  – Jean Cocteau

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
  – Alfred Hitchcock

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
  – Robert Benchley

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
  – Ambrose Bierce

Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.
  – Robin Williams

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
  – Jack London

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn’t seem to be working.
  – Anonymous

You don’t have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
  – John Ciardi

If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.
  – George Winters